At times it feels like someone is controlling me. I don’t have control over my own mind or body. The littlest things can take such a big toll on you and that’s what some don’t understand. Not everyone wakes up on the right side of the bed feeling motivated. It’s a heavy feeling. It’s living in a body that fights its mind frequently. The easiest things like making the bed or brushing your teeth become so hard but why? I also know how lonely it can get/feel. Like it’s you against the world.
People can show you love and you dead won’t feel it, you feel numb. It’s the repetition of not feeling heard or understood. Like you’re doing everything wrong. Exhausted is a very familiar feeling. not sleepy exhausted, just drained like your battery is out you know? When the episodes come. Life hits so hard. I tend to ghost people to try and keep the little bit of me I have left but it gets misunderstood for me being weird or funny.
You catch yourself sleeping a lot, with zero motivation to do anything, lose touch with people, and stop doing things you love all because the emotions are so hard to deal with. Or when the ones you are close to taking your distance personally when really you’re just empty. I think people should normalize the feeling of not wanting to exist without demonizing it. It’s not a suicidal thought, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a place you didn’t ask to be. Sometimes the worst place you can be in is your mind. Self-sabotage is real, and my mind tends to destroy me. I know how it feels for part of you wanting to be successful and the other half wanting to stay in bed all day and be nothing at all.
Pushing everyone close to you away, trying to “protect yourself” knowing you are your worst enemy. It’s like holding a big weight on your back then putting a smile up outside of your own space. What I had in mind when writing this was to help people, but I cannot help anyone if I cannot help myself. So I would like for this to be for letting others they are not alone. These feelings have caused me to be so introverted. Sometimes simple conversations can be hard to hold. Don’t allow your mind to destroy you. I used to be so hard on myself because of the feelings but don’t be hard on yourself.
Don’t allow anyone else to be hard on you. Only you know how you feel and what you feel on a daily basis. Do not let anyone invalidate how you feel. The “someone has it harder than you “line is so toxic. We don’t compare struggles. What you are feeling is probably the worst YOU have felt so that shouldn’t be invalidated. Sitting with your feelings helps. Cry with it. Learn it. Don’t avoid it or it won’t go away. Yes, distractions are nice but at some point, those feelings are going to resurface. So deal with it little by little. Be more open-minded. Think less and live more.
Go at your own pace. Doing those things tend to make life a little less chaotic. Train your mind to be more present. Living in your head can be hell. I used to beat myself up for not being able to do everything. Now I try to applaud myself for doing as much. I am not a superhuman. Neither are you. Be easier on yourself and applaud yourself for doing the littlest things.